• J. S. Chlapowski

Something scares me

Here's what I'm doing to get through restrictions: When I work out, I look at all the exercises I could do, and if there's one I really don't want to touch, that's the one I choose, because that's the one I should do.

This last year has made me a lot less disciplined. Games like this seem to help. I feel stuck between walls I can't impact, so I shift the paradigm, and I push inward instead.

This reads like a bucket of bullshit, and it probably is. Let's keep rolling in it. It's not like there's anything else to do.

When not working out, when not working, I sit on the couch a lot and think about how much I don't want to just sit on the couch. I sift through books I bought on impulse, the ones that will make me better, maybe. The ones I don't read. Why don't I read them? Sometimes I take a few steps forward, and stop. Something scares me. I cringe away and slink back to the couch.

I have songs like that. Songs that I shove into playlists in ones and twos that I only ever listen to on accident, when my fingers aren't close enough to trigger the skip button. When I hear the song, I feel a little more adult, like I'm closer to the person I thought I'd be by now.

When it's over, I don't change my behavior, and linger on those comfortable, predictable lists. Why? Why don't I want to be better? What's holding me back from growing up already?

If I get anything out of this pandemic, it's this realization that I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm the one holding me back.

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